


https://www.yelp.com/biz/nostrum-pharmaceuticals-phoenix

by isaiah_is_the_blob



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Gen, POV Outsider, Yelp Reviews
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25191424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaiah_is_the_blob/pseuds/isaiah_is_the_blob
Comments: 9
Kudos: 42
Collections: Unconventional Fanwork Exchange 2020





	https://www.yelp.com/biz/nostrum-pharmaceuticals-phoenix

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rimenorreason](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rimenorreason/gifts).



**Recommended Reviews**

Regina C.

Glendale, AZ

0 Stars

**THIS ESTABLISHMENT IS A SCAM! DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING FROM THEM!**

Several years ago I became the primary caretaker of my elderly mother, who has several health conditions that require expensive prescriptions not currently available as generics. Part of my routine with her involves making sure she takes her medications on time, and I'd been doing it long enough that I had memorized the drug's names and the shapes of the pills. Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened her medicine cabinet one day to find bottles I didn't recognize.  


She told me that they were equivalent to her normal medications, a claim I was instantly skeptical of, since they were from an unfamiliar pharmacy and not in orange bottles. There were still enough pills left from her last refill to avoid the new ones, and once I made sure she wasn't looking I took all of the suspect medication to my room and looked up the supplying pharmacy, Nostrum Pharmaceuticals. That was the beginning of one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.  


Firstly, Nostrum does not have an in-person location to visit, a public email, or even a return address. Their circa-1997 website's contact section only has a telephone number and a link to a feedback form that redirects to a 404 page. Calling the number led me to the typical automated 'press 1 to speak with a representative' menu, which then left me on hold. For six hours. Six hours of Kenny G while I did the dishes, folded laundry, re-organized the pantry, did a yoga DVD, and cooked dinner. Eventually someone did come on the line, but instead of an apology for the inexcusable wait or even a hello I got a 'Huh, what do you want?'  


I then explained the issue to the representative, asking politely but firmly about their qualifications, their medication sources, and how my mother might have gotten into contact with them. During my story the representative sighed, chewed loudly, and slurped on an empty drink for twenty seconds straight while I tried to talk over it. Once I was finished talking she sighed again, but louder this time, and with an eye roll I swear I could hear over the phone.  


"Listen, lady. It's five thirty pm and I've gotta pregame before dollar shot night at the Titty Twister. How many coupons will it take for you to hang up and piss off?"  


Those are her exact words to me. I was so shocked at being spoken to with such disdain that I reflexively hung up. I panicked and tried to redial, but the idea of another six hour long wait made me feel so exhausted I decided it was a lost cause. I dumped the medications in the toilet, flushed them, and told my mother that they were expired.  
Do not buy from this company. They are shady as hell and will not treat you respectfully or answer your questions. I have no clue what was in any of those pills, and I'm just glad that I was there to intervene before they could seriously harm anyone.

Richard S.

Tuscon, AZ

0 Stars

bought heart pills from them. bit into one and it was an aspirin.  


pros: if I was having a heart attack aspirin might be helpful, I guess  


cons: I paid $156 for a bottle of fucking childrens aspirin

Danielle T.

Scottsdale, AZ

0 Stars

I was randomly called by this company one day asking if I wanted a secret arthritis pill Big Pharma was hiding from us all. When I told the telemarketer no she responded by insinuating I smelled and enjoyed having joint pain, then offered me a coupon. Just hang up and block if they ever try to call you.

Hunter T.

Salt Lake City, UT

0 Stars

Let me tell you the worst customer experience I ever had.  


This all started when I saw an advertisement in Stamps Monthly for Nostrum's so-called Patent Eczema and Psoriasis Itch Relief Cream. It was expensive, but the dry air here irritates my skin so badly I'll try anything once. The cream cost twenty eight dollars for a twelve ounce tub, but then took twenty dollars of shipping and handling. There was no way to pay online, since their website was old and broken, so I had to mail a check to their Phoenix address and then wait.  
I received no information about my package until two weeks after I'd mailed the check. The envelope I received looked nice enough, but instead of a proper letter inside there was a handwritten note stained with Dorito dust. It said 'stuff will be late, do not ask for a refund, here is a coupon'. The coupon was an expired flyer for a BOGO on margarita mix at Publix.  


My cream finally showed up after two months in a box that looked like it'd been chewed on. I ripped it open, got the cream out, opened the jar, and found out that I'd paid forty eight dollars and waited ten weeks for Vaseline with potpourri mixed in. This was, frankly speaking, a massive disappointment. It was not the worst part.  


I called the number on their shoddy website and sat on hold for four. freaking. hours. When someone finally picked up I breathed a sigh of relief, only to get muching sounds and a 'fuck, is that on?' This set the tone for the rest of the interaction.  


Me: Hello, I purchased your eczema cream-  


Rep: It doesn't work on acne. buddy. *smacking sounds*  


Me: I purchased it for my severe eczema.  


Rep: Alright, pizzaface. *loud laughter* Listen, if you want a refund, you're shit outta luck. No refunds.  


Me: The product was falsely advertised. This isn't even lotion!  


Rep: You didn't read the fine print. Not my problem. Now shoo, unless you know a word using the letters 'Q' 'E' 'R' 'T' 'S' 'O' and 'Y'. This bitch is beating me at Words with Friends and I've gotta teach her a lesson.  


Me: I'd like to speak to your supervisor.  


Rep: Sure! *chair spinning noises* Hello, this is the supervisor. Can I offer you a complimentary coupon for our memory improvement pills, since you seem to have forgotten that Nostrum Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for any of our products and has no money back guarantee?  


There was some swearing after that. Many regrettable things were said, although I maintain that her calling me an oozing pustule on the ass of life was uncalled for, and quite frankly mean. Now I sit here, with a $48 tub of product I can't even use because I'm allergic to lavender, and I can't even give it away. Do not buy from this company.

Ryan Q.

Roswell, NM

0 Stars

These people scammed my grandma out of 3k and when I called to complain I got called a sad virgin! Fuck them and I hope they get sued by the FDA! They're selling literal sugar pills and talc powder as cure alls and SCAMMING while their rude ass employees eat on the phone and use inappropriate language! I will be contacting the BBB about you, Customer Service Representative Nunya Bizness!

Jason M.

Jacksonville, FL

0 Stars

man this place is great they mailed me cough syrup and it didnt even get me tagged by the cops  


five stars, bro


End file.
